The L Word Thing: It's All an Evil Plot or Watch Us Multiply!

Let’s take a trip through time/space/time. Back to when I only had a tiny inkling that I was a lady lover. (and by tiny inkling I mean I had already kissed several females and knew that that was where it’s at, but pushed it to the back of my head for fear of being eaten by dragons...Huge. Mormon. Dragons.)

Little babydyke Krysta was at home alone (a rare occurrence) and browsing the T.V. channels (not so rare), when I stumbled upon an episode of The L Word.

Guys. It was a Carmen/Shane sex scene. Needless to say...

IT BLEW MY MIND!

It was the one where they play Carmen’s too hot game. I tuned in just when Carmen was convincing Shane to stay and play the game and my eyes were immediately glued to the screen. I watched that scene with such rapt attention that I did not notice my brother walking down the stairs.

“What are you watching? The game is on.”

I rapidly changed the channel.

“Nothing! Here you go!”

I tossed the remote to him and raced up the stairs. I ran into my room and jumped onto my bed, thoughts spinning and heart racing.

The point is, my friends, is that The L Word totally catapulted me into full blown sexual-orientation-confusion-land. And from what I’ve heard from my other lezzy friends, that is a common occurrence amongst the Lesbians in my age bracket.

Even my gayman friend Chris was affected...

Chris watching Alice with Tasha: “Guys? I think I’m confused.”

Me: “About what?”

Chris: “I think I like Lesbians”

Me: “No, Chris. It’s just The L Word. It has that effect on people.”

I’ve also had friends say that the best way to get a straight girl in bed with you is to have her watch the first season.

So my question is,

Is The L Word just part of a plot to make an army of Brainwashed Lesbian robots? 

Or, is it just quality television that has drama and sex appeal and just so happens to be about lesbians?

I think it’s the Robot thing.

The First Thing: It's a Breakup Thing.

Lesbos break up.

It’s a thing.

And they have mutual friends.

YOU are one of those friends!

Don’t worry, I’m here to help you handle that.

Sometimes you have friends. Sometimes those friends are homogay and sometimes those friends decide to be homogay together.

And when they do we’re all like...

But, you know what else happens? Well, these gaybians will start to fight. These gaybians will start feeling discontented. And these gaybians have even been known to BREAK UP!

And then where are you left, you deeply concerned mutual friend?

WELL OF COURSE YOU DON’T KNOW! (don’t worry, i do)

I am going to help you. Why? Because I love you.

I've compiled a short list of Do’s and DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES OR I'LL KILL YOU!

DO NOT!

• Spread rumors. You are not on Gossip Girl, ok? Get with it.
• LIE! Please, please, please don’t lie. To either party. It really ruins everything for everyone.
• Pretend to know everything that went down in their relationship. You don’t. The End.
• If you have extreme distaste for anyone, do not express that distaste to either party. They probably aren’t ready for that.
• My favorite is stolen from Autostraddle.com ‘s Rules of Lesbian Fight Club. Which you can find here. It’s DON’T BE A BITCH! Just don’t, ok? That should be common sense, but alas, we live in a society in which class is usually a thing of the friggin’ past.

...and now the DO’s!

• Do be a good friend...to both of them! No choosing sides, this is not 4th grade.
• Have two shoulders, one for each of your beloved friends to cry on.
• Be a good listener.
• Be available to go out for a drink if they need it.
• Just plain be there, basically. If they need to talk, not talk, socialize, exercise, eat a gallon of ice cream and watch a Buffy Marathon. I don’t know, just be there. Except if your friend needs something like meth. I would advise against hard drugs. We're not on Skins.
• Make sure to divide your time between the two of them. Be careful not to accidentally forget one of them exists because you’ve been working on your novel and The L Word is taking over your life and you can’t stop watching Shane fuck Cherie Jaffe and I just can’t find the time sorry.

• • Make sure your advice is actually helpful and not just empty threats.

• If either of your friends is really not coping well, encourage them to seek out professional help. Tell them that it’s nothing to be ashamed of because even celebrities do it and if they do it we should all do it and Krysta said so.

And that’s about it for the list! I’m so sad! I really do love lists. SIGH.

If you have any DO’s or DO NOT’s to add to the list lemme know ho!

Peace Out!

I Love You!